lifegenerating | sunday morning, praise the dawning / closed to captain

sunday morning, praise the dawning / closed to captain_jtkirk

[The next year is miserable.

Carol still laughs and smiles the same amount, still cries over Dorothy's shenanigans as always, and still fumes over her daughter's antics and her work. There is, however, a certain lingering touch of melancholy in the back of her mind; it creeps up anytime the silence becomes too unbearable and overtakes her like a monster.

It was the same as the year before and the year before that. It's different though this time. Before, Carol didn't know what it felt like; she imagined, yes, dreamed, fantasied, hoped, as many scientists are prone to do, as they wait for their cultures to evolve or for test results. For five weeks, she knew what it was. A little more than a month, and Carol knew what it was like to be happy or, at least, content and at peace.

Then she had to blow it by kicking him out, but what can you expect from a crazy person like Carol Marcus? She pushed Jim Kirk away because if she didn't, she reasoned, he would leave in due time and that would hurt even more. Fear of the pain she doesn't want, yet do anything she could to bring it about. So, she broke up with him; the pain wouldn't hurt so much if she did it to herself, and perhaps she was wrong, perhaps she was right, we can never know. It's the result of her higher education; Carol could never really enjoy anything without coming up with a story or an explanation for it. Ultimately, it's what made her a good scientist, but a bad pagan. She could never take things as they were, and enjoy things with an easy conscience. In this case, it is the basic principle of depreciation that ended their relationship; the longer and further one was away, the lower the happiness with their significant other was.

It's the economy, stupid.

Really, it was going to happen eventually, Carol simply got it over with at an earlier time. And with less heartbreak and shattered furniture too. She didn't love Jim, it was merely a silly school's girl crush that was the result of watching him swagger about and shoot clever comebacks (not to mention proton torpedoes) at imposing figures. She didn't love him and she never did, she would remind herself.

If that's true, though, she wouldn't have put her entire life on pause when Jim catches something -- something -- from Psi 2000. Immediately after she gets the message from Spock, Carol drops Dorothy off at a friend's house, takes an undetermined amount of leave from work, and catches the first Starship heading towards Starbase 11. She then proceeds to work herself to the bone and help find the cure for Jim and several other of the Enterprise personnel. When she isn't working or under the close eye of Spock (who keeps insisting that she does these things called "sleep" and "eat"), she's in Jim's room, with a chair pulled right up to his bed. Mainly, Carol talks, though he can't hear as she tells him about Dorothy, and her current projects, random observations, and her nonsensical ramblings when she clearly needs sleep and omg get her to bed before she follows through with them!

Before she arrives at the hospital on Starbase 11, Dr. McCoy places Jim and the others in medically induced comas. "It would slow the disease's rampage on them and allow us time to discover a cure", he tells her during her briefing. The eight of them are in their comas for almost a week until Carol and McCoy finally find a cure (it was a team effort, although it was Carol's stem cells that was the key to kicking the virus in their equivalent of genitals). Even if the tests prove that it does overwhelmingly work, Carol can't help but still feel worried and scared that it won't. As if that's a new feeling, though. After the cure is administered and the eight receive their "wake-up calls", Carol plants herself in the chair next to Jim's bed and waits for him to wake up, hopefully alive and healthy.

Her arms used as a pillow, she's resting her head on the edge of his bed, and her ~~frankly~~ haggard face is turned away from him. The faint beeps of the EKG machine lulls her to sleep, and it's probably the most restful sleep she's gotten in days.]

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[Jim... manages over the next year. The same as he always has really, because Jim Kirk is a survivor and he's not going to wallow about a failed... thing with Carol. He liked her, still likes her if he's being honest, maybe even loves her and she is the mother of his daughter, and that's it. And yeah, it's for the best really because he's on a starship and she's on Earth, and he... well he's never exactly cheated on a girl before, but no girl has held his attention span long enough to cheat in the first place.

He doesn't dwell on the rest of it. That it wouldn't have been like the movies but it could have worked with them, they had the same goals and views, and fuck, he actually wanted to try. And he just... pretends like he isn't aware of those feelings. Doesn't really have time to, and when he does, he blots it out with paperwork and wandering down to sickbay to bother Bones.

It turns out to be a blessing, in a way, that he's so far from Earth, that he can only ever send messages to Dorothy instead of call her, so he never really has to deal with Carol face to face. And that suits his petty side rather well. He only ever really sees her at the beginning and end of the two--no she's three now--year old's messages.

Psi 2000 was really, another bump in the road of his captaincy. It shocks no one by now that he leaves the ship more than he stays on it, and that course of action comes with casualties sometimes. He's used to phaser fire and broken bones and more bruises than he can count. What he didn't see coming was to be beamed back to Enterprise... and then immediately collapse.

The next few days are a bit of a blur. If he had to liken it to something, it was like having the flu and a hangover at the same time but a thousand times worse and he's pretty sure he threw up on Bones more than once. Then it's just darkness and sometimes there's voices. One voice in particular stays with him a lot and it's comforting in a way that he can't place his finger on.

Kirk still feels like shit when he opens his eyes, stiff like he's been lying in bed for days, and still so tired, and things hurt that he didn't know could hurt but they do. But it's overwhelmingly better than what he remembers from before. That's good. It takes him less than a minute to realize that he's not alone and that a blonde head is resting on the side of his bed, and maybe he's still super sick because he has to be hallucinating that head. He recognizes those curls, and she wouldn't be here.

Maybe he's actually dead. That would be a trip.

Normal people would reach over and nudge her, but he's not normal on his best days. Right now he's tired and seeing even the back of her head is sending off warning bells in his head. He's not over it, and he's petty and there's this mental link between Carol Marcus and hurt that makes him want to be somewhere else entirely.

But anyway, not normal. So Kirk finds the lead monitoring his vitals--he must not be on Enterprise if that's a thing--and pulls it off, immediately sending the machine into alarm mode. Time to wake up, Carol.]

[Even though Carol hasn't actually been a person doctor since medical school, she's dozed off enough times while working that she immediately jumps up from the chair with her fists held up in a defensive stance when the machine starts beeping. Her eyes are half-closed and there's a good chance that she's still technically sleeping as her body sways with exhaustion.

The dull blue irises of her eyes light up when her gaze happens to pass over a now awoken Jim. Instead of annoyance, a wide smile soon follows, and happiness and joy brightens her face.] Jim! You're awake. How are you feeling? Fine, yes?...

Edited 2013-02-24 08:36 (UTC)

[Kirk stares at her for a moment. He's definitely hallucinating. Or dead.]

That'd probably depend on your definition of fine. [His voice is rough, from lack of use and maybe some of it is because he's not at all sure why she's here.]

Where am I?

[Her beauty has been compared to that of the mythical angel. ~~And that's why she doesn't date writers anymore.~~]

Lately my definition of "fine" has been "not dead", so I'd ask someone else. [If the tests were correct, of course. Her brow creases at his scratchy voice and she moves to get him some water from the bathroom sink.

As the water pours from the sprout into the cup;] Uh, Starbase 11. About six days away from the Talos Star Group, at max. warp. [Carol emerges back from the bathroom with a white cup in her hand and she hands it to him when she's by his side again.] Here. You've been on a fluid diet for the past week and a half, but your throat must be dry as hell.

[Well he's not entirely sure he's not dead.

Kirk takes the water from her, nodding his thanks. It does help a lot, and it gives him time to gather his thoughts. And really all it comes down to is:]

What are you doing here?

[She knew he was going to ask that, really it was a matter of time. She's had a week and a half to come up with the perfect excuse, but she was more concerned with making sure that he could ask her.

Silently, she sits back down in the chair, her hands fold on her lap. Carol looks like shit; she's barely had any sleep in the last few days, and the weariness and worry is etched on her face. Fitting, since she feels like shit, especially for everything that she's done to Jim. It's ironic that Carol's afraid that Jim's going to hurt her, and she's the one that's been doing most -- no, all of the hurting.]

You were sick and dying, and I -- ["Wanted to lend my expertise in finding the cure." That's a lie. She doesn't want to lie to him, he doesn't deserve it. He deserves the truth. While she did lend her expertise in finding the cure, that's not the reason or even a reason as to what she's doing here. A deep sigh.]

I was worried and scared. I wanted to make sure you were alright.

[So she came halfway across the galaxy.

He kind of wants to know how she found out in the first place, someone from the ship must have contacted her. He's going to find out who it was sooner or later and maybe chew them out for it. He's not actually dead, so she doesn't need to know anything.]

You could have just called.

[Wow, that's a weird way to say, "thank you."

Spoiler, it was Spock. He contacted her to request for her help because as an esteemed molecular biologist, she could discover a cure. Also, although he didn't explicitly state it, seeing as she's the mother of his daughter and some feelings still remained between the two, it was only right, logical that Carol be by Jim's side.

And, yeah, she knows everything. She is a doctor for the ward of eight sick Enterprise crew-members after all. Which includes Jim, so.]

That's -- [Jim's kind of missing the point here. She was scared, and afraid, and worried, and she thought he needed someone there for him. And, to be frank, she needed someone too; staying back on Earth doing nothing except treading a hole in the carpet would accomplish nothing.]

It's hard finding a cure over the telephone, half a galaxy away. I would've come, anyways, if I couldn't help.

Edited 2013-02-24 23:54 (UTC)

[No, he gets the point, he just... didn't think it'd really be this difficult to be in the same room with her again. He didn't think he was still mad at her for dragging him along, but he is and he doesn't need Spock or anyone messing around in his personal life.]

Look Carol, I appreciate what you did in finding a cure. [Besides the fact that he's been out for days, the simple idea that Bones and Spock couldn't find a cure on their own lets him know how serious it really was. He's not downplaying her intelligence, but it's not often that his crew is stumped.]

But I don't know what you're trying to prove here.

[It's not often that someone catches a new strain of virus that mutates as fast as that one does.

She looks down at her hands, unsure.] I'm not trying to prove anything here, Jim. I just want to say... [Anxiety peaks in her system, but she presses on anyways.]

I still love you, and I'm sorry.

[It's good that she's not looking at him, because he looks away from her when she says that. It's obvious that he still has feelings for her, even to him but he can't... say it back. He doesn't even want to, because he doesn't want to be attached to the end of her string anymore.

Say whatever you want, she got scared and that's fine, whatever (it's not but), but he doesn't trust her not to do it again.]

Shit, Carol. [He passes his hand over his face, trying to remember if he woke up with a headache or not or if it's there now because of this conversation.]

You've got to be kidding me. [It's not that he's calling her a liar, he just can't believe they're talking about this now.]

[His feelings aren't obvious to her! Not even when they were together. She could tell when he was happy, annoyed, or angry, but never anything beyond that. Carol can differentiate between a prokaryote and an eukaryotes with barely a glance, she can tell when a guy's turned one, but clearly she cannot tell when a guy has feelings for him that doesn't originate from his trousers.

Then, they clearly can't be together. If he can't trust her, then it wouldn't work out, because what's love without trust?

Carol puts a hand to her temple, commanding herself not to cry from frustration and embarrassment. He makes her feel like such a fool sometimes. Whatever happened to that strong, confident woman that first sat at his table and wasn't impressed by his rank? That Carol Marcus didn't need a man, didn't want one either. If love makes her feel like such an idiot, like she always needs to second guess herself on everything, she doesn't want it. She didn't need it before, she doesn't need it now.

She looks back up at him, with a tight-lipped smile.] Yeah, I was. It was a joke, hahaha. More like a test, really. Well... you're alive.

So.

Good. [Now, with her tail between her legs, she moves towards the door, to leave and go back to Earth. Carol really should have left when the cure was first being administered.]

[It's pretty obvious if Spock can pick up on it, just saying.

Somehow, that seems to tick him off more than the bad timing because he sits up suddenly, grimacing when the move comes with a sudden wave of dizziness. He pushes it aside though, because no, no they are not leaving it like this.]

God Carol, you don't get to dump me, and then show up a year later, say that and then just leave.

[Well, Spock is Spock. If Carol started questioning how Spock deduces his observations and logic, her head might explode.

With a loud huff, she stops and turns back to him, her arms at akimbo. She catches that slight grimace when Jim suddenly sits up, but she doesn't react to it. Carol looks more... sad and desperate and just tired of this whole fucking situation to even utilize a little bit of tact or grace. Always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart, and Carol wants that from Jim. Why should she continue to put all this effort into it, if he gives her nothing -- not even a smidgeon -- in return?]

Well fuck, I'll elaborate then I'll leave. Jim, I love you. I love you to bits. I never stopped loving you, not for a minute, not for a second. I'm going to stick to you, like glue. I regret everything that I ever did to hurt you. In fact, I kind of hate myself for it, yeah. This last year without you, has been kind of horrible. I'm here because of my love for you and, hey, one should have their loved ones around their deathbeds. Not that you were ever going to die; I wasn't going to allow that because I love you that much.

And, y'know why I'm leaving now? Ready for the big reveal, Houdini? You did what you always do; not when you're pissed, or angry at me, but when you're fine and I try to show you affection. Whenever I try to show or tell you how much you mean to me, how much I love you, you shoot me down. You make me feel like a total jackass for even thinking about loving something that didn't have a big "E-N-T-E-R-P-R-I-S-E" painted on its hull. How can you expect me to stay here?

[Jim doesn't make her feel like a woman that can do anything, doesn't make her feel like she's invincible or loved. He makes her feel like the lonely, little girl she was back in Pittsburgh. The girl whose parents didn't love her, who didn't have many friends in high school, and was never complimented on by the boys for her hair or how pretty she is.]

[He was not... expecting that. It shows on his face, a stunned silence coming from his side of the room. It's not her fault, not at all that he doesn't handle his feelings very well, and that he can't seem to ever articulate what he's when it matters. It's Sam's fault, for looking at him and telling him he wasn't a good enough reason to stay, even after Jim told him that all he wanted was for his brother to stay. And he's never really let that go, even years later and after reconciling with his brother. He can't let go of the wall he built up after to keep people out.

It's plain as day to him, because he keeps coming back to her, he really enjoyed their five weeks together, and no woman has ever held his attention for more than a few weeks, much less years. So why does he have to say that, why can't his actions speak louder--

Fine, whatever. Maybe it'd be nice to hear. It's nice to hear what she feels for him, even as it simultaneously scares the shit out of him. It's easy to love a starship because a starship doesn't talk back and he can't really do anything to piss it off. And he doesn't feel very worthy of any love like that right now because clearly he also makes her really unhappy.

His headache is worse. And he kind of wishes he was dead.]

I... fuck. [This is a mess.]

Sue me, I was still mad at you for dumping me in the first place, because it hu--shit, do you really not see that I'd do anything you asked just because you asked it?

[And he's never seen the word 'Enterprise' anywhere on her body before.]

[She frowns and looks down to watch the edge of her white lab coat skim the dark fabric of her trousers. She looks down to avoid his nerve-wracking gaze. Her eyes flicker back up to his, her words then coming out hesitantly and squirrelly.]

Say it then. [Y'know, those three little, yet powerful words. Call it petty or stupid, but she wants to hear them. Carol wants to experience the sudden bombardment of emotions, the justification of her hardships, and the aching of her insides from the words. Those three, little words won't solve all their problems, she knows, but it'll make them all worth it.]

What, that I love you?

[He couldn't have stopped that from coming out if he'd wanted to, and he... didn't. So. That's that. Totally the first time he's said it to someone and meant it but whatever.]

I could get it tattooed somewhere, if it's not obvious enough for you.

[And there's that warmth in her heart, that dries her tears, that curves her lips into a smile, and persuades her feet to move to him. They can make this work; even if he won't say it often, the knowledge, the understanding that Jim loves her is more than enough to get her passed her insecurities, that already seem to diminish from his words.]

Gross, no. If you value sex, you wouldn't. [She's at his bed now and, carefully moving passed the wires and tubes, caresses his hand with both of hers. She sets off at memorizing every callus on his palm, the rough edges of his fingers, the soft padding of his knuckles.]

[Kirk moves his hand in hers, lacing their fingers together after a moment. That wasn't so terrible, even if he has less idea of where they stand now than he did before. Before, it was firmly in the broken up category and that wasn't best but it was tolerable and now they are firmly back in undecided.]

So tattoos don't do anything for you? Good to know.

[She softly laughs, and it's an odd sensation on her vocal cords and the bottom of her stomach and feet. She hadn't laughed in over two weeks.] No, thanks. I'm a big fan of how it is right now. [If Jim couldn't tell already.

She turns from him to the blinds hiding his room from the rest of the starbase. The last time she checked, it was still dark outside, but the sun will probably rise in a while. That doesn't really concern her right now, anyways. Carol's more concerned with leaning and pressing her lips at the corner of his mouth. Moving from "broken up" to "undecided" to "definitely something." And she's alright with that, and, if he isn't right now, the kiss straddles the "friendship" and "boyfriend/girlfriend" line quite comfortably, so it wouldn't be too terribly awkward.]

[He just... doesn't want to keep hurting her, any more than he wants to be hurt by her again. Jim Kirk's not a hopeless romantic, he doesn't think that anything has been solved right now, and this is one of the few times in his life that he doesn't have a plan mapped out on what to do next.

Kirk turns his head after the kiss, and leans his to rest against hers, and it's nice and not just because he's still a little lightheaded and she's something solid to lean against.]

So what now?

Edited 2013-02-25 09:31 (UTC)

[Well, knowing that he loves her does give her some strength. And perhaps with time, it'll give her more and let her get pass those insecurities that caused her to hurt him. She doesn't know, Carol's kind of playing it by ear for the moment.

She lightly sighs and her free hand moves up to thread her fingers through his hair.]

Okay, you probably won't like the sound of it, but I need to call in Dr. McCoy then give you a full examination. [After that, Carol's going to sleep for a thousand years.]

[He does make a little bit of a face at that, but accepts the inevitability of McCoy coming to examine him at some point. He's awake and feels better than before, so he'd call it good enough but he knows that isn't how McCoy works.]

Let's just get it over with.

[She laughs again as her hand shifts from his hair to his cheek.] Would it help to know that I'm participating in your examination as well? [Carol's taking notes and asking the questions though. Same difference.]

[What and leaving the honor of sticking Kirk with needles to McCoy?]

I'd feel best if you were doing all of it.

[Jim Kirk, he almost died from a brand new disease and he's still thinking about sex.]

[Yes. How else will McCoy let out his annoyance at Jim? They can't bicker and have make-up sex, like Carol and Jim.

She softly chuckles again, then gives him a peck on the lips.]

If you can get through the examination without acting like your daughter, I'll give you a more thorough examination later. Deal? [Another kiss.

Yupe, that's Jim Kirk. Love him or leave him.]

Edited 2013-02-26 19:49 (UTC)

[Kirk would rather sleep with him.

If this is relationships, where one minute you're broken up and fighting and mean to each other, and the next you're... something else and flirting and kissing, then... okay. Maybe he's just tired enough to not really question it a lot right now. He was out for over a week but that wasn't really sleep and he almost died and all that.

He kisses her back for a long moment.]

Deal. Where is she, by the way?

[Not on her watch.

Yeah, same with Carol. Later, after she's gotten a few hours of sleep at least, she'll remember their conversation and she'll freak out and hyperventilate over it. Then she'll remember that Jim loves her and, hey, what should it matter? Everything will go perfectly fine if they try and Carol should just calm the fuck down.]

On Earth. At a friend's house. I wasn't sure of the exact nature of the virus so, rather than risk her health, I decided to keep Dorothy a half galaxy away from it. [Besides, Carol didn't want her to see her father like this; all sick, weak, and bruised. Carol could barely stand to see him like that.]

[True facts, they both can't be freaking out so one of them has to calm down.

He nods slightly. That's smart, and he can only imagine how traveling with a small child is anyway. But he does miss her, and kind of wishes that he could see her now.]

Do you know how we picked it up?

[They can calmly freak out together.

Actually, Dorothy isn't so bad when traveling. Though, she doesn't scream or cry, she does get talkative and a little wild when they get passed Earth's atmosphere. In relative to her age group however, she's very quiet and painless.

Next time he almost dies from a deadly, deadly virus, Carol will bring Dorothy.]

Exposure to the long, thin, fibrous crystals of the rocks on the planet. Sort of like... asbestos on steroids. Not contagious, but very deadly.

[Kirk doesn't really plan on doing this again but that's a good plan to have.]

Has Spock contacted Starfleet and had the planet quarantined?

[It's hard to shut the captain instincts off sometimes.]

[That'd be nice, thank you. Just because there's a ton more exciting ways to die than there was two hundred years ago, doesn't mean Jim should try to experience and survive them all.

Carol laughs and she gives his hand a light squeeze. Yeah, he's in his "I'm the Captain" mode, and she wouldn't dare undermine his authority, but right now, in the time and situation, it's adorable. He almost died and he's boomeranging right back to his captain mode; it's almost not surprising as sex still being on his mind.]

Of course he did. And just as well, too. There's life on the planet; a primitive bipedal species that should be left alone to evolve.

[It helps him feel normal, and to not focus on the fact that he almost died, to go on like everything's okay. That stepping onto a planet previously deemed to be safe for humans almost cost him everything.]

I didn't know you were such a big fan of the Prime Directive. [He's

[Actually, ironically, they were beamed down to the part of the planet where the rocks are only found. The rest of the planet are free from them.]

Not necessarily. If a civilization is on the verge of collapse due to outside forces, then yes I think we should "interfere." But, no, if it's acts of nature, evolution, natural events that's occur on every planet, no we shouldn't interfere. I'm sure the others had the same policy when it came to us on Earth, two and a half million years ago.

[That fucking figures.]

I don't know if you listen to some conspiracies, they didn't leave us alone like three thousand years ago.

[Well, it's good to know for future reference. Let's avoid that small piece of hundred mile area on the fifty-thousand square mile planet.

She rolls her eyes, though he probably can't see it.] Yeah, but we're not them, are we? We're not going to fuck up some species' genes so they can mine gold for our atmosphere or whatever.

[Honestly, Kirk still struggles with the decision to let anyone die instead of interfering, even if it is considered 'natural'. Because it doesn't feel very natural to him to stand by and watch.]

What if I had them mine gold for you?

[And that's why Carol's a doctor, not the captain or leader. Her scientific curiosity can only detach her from death and destruction for so long.

She fondly smiles and her chest flutters from warmth, as she turns to kiss his cheek.] You're the sweetest man I've ever known. Thank you, but I'm more of chocolate and cell slides kind of gal.

Duly noted. [See Kirk is a nice guy sometimes even if he wouldn't really ever have an alien race mine gold for her.

He squeezes her hand again lightly.] You wanna get Bones, so I can sleep?

[That's okay. Besides, the last thing Jim needs for his ego is a species worshipping him as their god.

She lightly chuckles again, and begins to pull away from him, with all reluctancy.] I'm going to get Dr. McCoy, so we can all sleep.

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sunday morning, praise the dawning / closed to captain_jtkirk

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wow i didn't finish that tag, whoops :c

yeah, i was wondering about that.

i'm drunk like plurk

if you were as drunk as plurk is, you'd be dead. jim kirk or not jim kirk.

but gdi i try to keep up

you keep doing it. it was a pleasure knowing you, btw.